God damn does loneliness hurts, and it upsets me that no matter how much logic I throw at it, it still is so very painful. I am upset at the fact that I’m at my happiest with someone else, I should be able to do all this on my own, but at the end of the day, loneliness hurts.

This end of a relationship will be good for me. His heart wasn’t in it like mine was, nor did he actually seem to care about me in the end. I will be able to focus on studies rather then trying to make him happy, that is good. I’m a strong person, but loneliness still hurts.

I’m trying to find happiness when ever I can, focus on those things that make me smile, count my blessings, but oh man does loneliness hurts.

     I sit here staring at his skype name, hoping that I’ll come up with something to talk about so I can contact him. I feel silly and awkward, my head swims and my stomach twists. Love sick. Never knew what that really meant until today. The Disney song “I won’t say I’m in love” plays on repeat in my head, a constant reminder that things are happening weather I’m ready for them or not. I might fight it but in the end I’ll both come out the looser and win something amazing. Damn, when you ask the universe for something, it delivers.

     It’s so cliché, I can’t eat, my stomach is too busy trying out for Cirque Du Soleil but I can’t stop smiling. My heart is swimming, but my brain is warning me not to fall in to fast. It’s like I’m flying, the view is amazing but at the back of my head there is the thought of exactly how far down the stable ground is. But my moto for this part of my life is “jump, you may fly, you may fall, but you will never know unless you trust yourself to jump”. I want to tell him all this, I do. I just can’t find the words to start. I don’t want to get too serious to fast and scare him away, but I also don’t want to play around until it’s too late and make him feel like I’m not committed to him. It’s just messy, but love is that way I guess. Then again, if it was wrapped up into a nice neat package you wouldn’t have to fight through all the mess and fuss and wouldn’t come out of it feeling like you rightfully won something.

     I type “Hello ^_^” into the message bar and get a fast reply of “HI!”. I default to “ how have you been today?”… Shit, there has to be something else to say, something more romantic and moving. I want to open my heart and let all the confusion pour out into my messages but it continues like that for a while, until he has some errands to run and leaves. I want to tell him everything, but everything is a lot. I want to tell him that I don’t mean to say some of the things I do, they just come flying out of my mouth. I’m only awkward when you open doors for me or walk me to my car because I’ve never had a guy treat me like a lady. Never had something so wonderful. I want to tell you that everything gets jumbled when I see you, but I hope you can tell I’m being truthful and real. I don’t know if it’s because this is new and I’m only seeing the good thing, I don’t know if it’s blinded by love, but it seem almost as if someone reached inside my heart and took out everything that I love to build you. I only pull back when I kiss you because I feel like I’m on the edge of loosing control faced with the amount of power in it. I’m lost, fighting a battle inside myself that I have no reason to be. I’ve never been a go with the flow person, I’m a doer, a thinker, a creator and this causes me to be messed up and spastic. I dream of big things and reach for the stars simply because they are there. I’m emotionally driven, and that can get the better of me. I’m passionate and love deeply, but can also become jealous out of I fear that I may loose something that I have invested so much of myself into. With my love part of my soul goes with it.

     … This is who I am, please be gentle with me.

     Another part of my mind tells me that I’m moving too fast, I haven’t let the dust settle on the last relationship I had. But it’s been near half a year, how long must I wait till the amount of dust is enough.

     So I jump, and trust my wings.

Bah... I can't get notes to work so I'll just post this here until I can find out how to put it on my own facebook.

Are you ready for some questions that you barely find in other surveys?
Helz yeah!!

You're locked in a closet with the person you last kissed, any problems?
Not that I can think of, though we would most likely put our minds together and find a way out.

Are you currently reading a book?
Princeps Fury of The Codex Alera. Great book series by a fantastic Author, Jim Butcher, Though I would tell you to pick up his other work The Dresden Files. OMG SO GOOD!!

What is your current annoyance?
The battle between my head and my heart.  I wish that they would come to a compromise and stop being stuck on two completely different and incompatible options.

What was the last beverage you had?
Some organic lemonade at the Celtic Fair

 Are you someone who worries too often?
I worry about bunches of things, I was raised with the phrase “ prepare for the worst get the best”  which I translated in myself as “ make sure you think of everything that could go wrong and then nothing will.” So I end up spending a lot of my time thinking and focusing on things that could go wrong and not nearly enough on what is going right. But I’ve been working on fixing that kind of thinking and I’m feeling good about the progress.

Would you ever take someone back after they cheated on you?
The heart can accept some really not cool things. I used to be dead set on my answer to this question: I could never take back someone who hurt me so deeply. But as I age and grow I find that my heart can be a bit more forgiving then I give it credit for. That or I’m finding that love can make any situation or decision seem right or wrong depending.  Love can make everything messy.

Have you ever liked someone who all your friends hated?
With the friends that I held closest in high school there were many people that they didn’t like but who I found very rewarding friendships with. In the end I’m still really good friends with those people while I have parted ways with those who judged.
What did you do last night?

I attended the Grass Valley Celtic Fair and had lots of fun catching up with people from my past and present, lots of good music, food, and some alright beer. Then I picked up Steven and we watches House till 3am. Good times!

Could you go out in public, looking like you do now?
I guess I could, all my parts are covered, but I would end up looking like the weird people you see all over Grass Valley, with just a t-shirt and leggings on. So could I go outside? Say like my house caught on fire and I had to get out, yes I could walk around without scaring people. Will I go out in what I’m wearing? Nah, I’ll just throw some pants on.

Do you remember your dreams?
I love my dreams, they are always so in depth and fun…. Until they aren’t, anyways. Let’s just say that if I actually started keeping a dream journal I would have to spend many, many hours a day writing them all down.

Does anyone think you are a bitch?
I have a very strong personality when I want to show it and I guess that can be taken as bitchy. But I usually try to be kind and loving whenever I can, so I can only hope that most people don’t think I’m a bitch.

 Did you wake up before 8am this morning?
Yes, for a little while, just long enough to let the sweet smell of fresh rain fill my nose. I love rain, especially the first true rain of fall. It’s always a sign of things changing and the claming of plants and animals for winter’s sleep.

Do you wear eyeliner?
Sometimes, when I wear makeup it’s usually that and some eye shadow. I never got the hang of putting all the other stuff on, but I think it looks better having some natural beauty shine through.

Did you speak to your father today?
Actually just a bit, less then I usually do. We are both big nerds and have so many things to talk about. It also helps that I got him addicted to the book series I’m currently obsessed with and with a compilation of short stories coming out at the end of the month it’s been on our minds a lot. :P
 
Do you miss your past?
I miss the past that is in my memories, the fun childhood where scraping your knee was the most traumatic thing you encountered that day, where making friends was as easy as who shared a favorite color, where recess seemed endless and imaginations ran vividly wild. But I know if I went back and saw those days for what they really were it would tarnish them, it’s better to leave those memories little pieces of paradise.

Have you ever skipped school just because you were tired?
For my Saturday morning mural class, yes. Usually I’m good about going to class unless I’m sick.

Do you get mad easily?
I get frustrated often, which could come off as being mad. You know lots of harsh words at nothing in particular; it’s all a process for working out how I can get around the frustration. But it’s rather rare to get me really, truly mad.

Have you ever been around someone who was high?
Yes, but I don’t partake. Don’t really want to.

What was your last bruise from?
Hmm, my last bruise, I think it was from a box/cart/table at work, but I couldn’t tell you any specifics.

Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough?
Naturally, that is on everyone’s mind at least sometime in their lives. It used to be a terrible problem I had; nothing was good enough, ever, period. But I’ve gotten amazingly better to myself. It’s alright, nothing is perfect. After all if everything was perfect we would have nothing to learn and that’s part of the fun in life.

What color is your hair?
It’s Brown. I started out, I guess, a mousy brown, did red for a little while then to copper. I tried black for a very short time, but I realized I’m mush too bright a person to be able to pull that off. I went back to red then to red brown and then back to just brown, but this time I have a little streak of green on my right side. ^_^ Y’know, to mix things up a bit.

Do you judge people you don't know?
I don’t really judge them or at least I do my best not to, there of course things I see and comprehend, but I’m hopeful when I meet people so they usually get whatever benefit of the doubt. 

Have you ever been asked out by someone you didn't want to date?
Haha, no, I was usually the one doing asking. That is when I actually built up enough nerve, fought myself for hours, dramatized it, analyzed it and then finally when I couldn’t take the “what ifs” and “why nots” anymore I would do the deed. I then picked up the pieces and moved on, there isn’t much else you can do in those situations.

Do any of your friends have a tongue ring?
Yes.

Do any of your friends have a nose ring?
Yeah, we live in the… what is it called now.... 2000s I guess. Everyone is free to do whatever they wish with their bodies :P.

How much money did you spend today?
I don’t normally spend this much but it was the Celtic fair and littered with all sorts of goodies.  I think I spent a total, with getting Steven into the fair, $120 maybe.

What will you be doing tomorrow?
Work, then driving an hour, then school, then eating something at some point, then driving an hour again, and getting home and then honestly thinking about moving to Rocklin to avoid all the driving. :P

Have you ever cried while in the shower?
I think my pipes are busted cause I leek from my face all the time. I’ve always been really self conscious about my crying and how easily it happens. Too much emotion. I tried to stop feeling once, I didn’t like it, too empty. So now I live with my emotions however rampant and unruly they are. So to answer that question, yes, I’m sure at one point in my life I did.

Do you know anyone that smokes pot?
Cody: lol I lived in a town called "grass valley" lol
Me: I still live in Grass valley lol. I’ve actually herd that Humboldt calls us “little brother”

Have you ever kissed anyone with a tattoo?
I haven’t actually kissed a lot of people, so I don’t actually think I have.

What's something you really want right now?
Cody: Love
Me: I right there with you man, but more so all I really want is happiness.
How do you feel about your hair right now?
I used this new shampoo and conditioner and it made my hair oh so silky soft.

Have you ever slept in the same bed as your friend?
Dude my bed is made of win and magic (tempurpedic beds are the best!) . I always invite people to sleep in my bed, unless there is no room. 

Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
Nope, and I did a little online search thing to see if there is anyone with the same name and I don’t think it actually found anyone. 

Last person you talked on the phone with?
My friend Aaron, and in the middle of talking to him a guy dressed as a pirate doing a reenactment thing grabbed it and told Aaron “ She has been captured and if you ever want to see her sober again you’ll deliver 20 cases of rum to the ship tonight” there was much laughing.

Who do you blame for your bad mood today?
The stupid people who didn’t get the meat pie cart to attend the Celtic Fair this weekend. But other then that little miff I was in pretty good spirits today. 

What was the first thing you did this morning?
Enjoyed the fresh air of a rainstorm. The first active thing I did was put my contacts in, y’know cause it’s a good ideal to have sight.

What are you looking forward to right now?
I have a trip to reno planed for later in the month, that should be awesome and full of good booze with great friends. Plus I got a room with a spa :D.  

If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
I sometimes think of this question and there are many things that I would like to change about how my life went. But how it’s ended up I wouldn’t want to change.

Have you ever done anything illegal?
Sure I have.

Where will you be 5 hours from now?
Sleeping or at least I’m hoping to be sleeping.  I have a large amount of things to do tomorrow and in five hours it will be 4am a good time to be fast asleep.

Has anyone ever borrowed something from you and never returned it back?
Yeah, but I don’t care about it.

Today did you hug a person you have feelings for?
Nope, but those kinds of days are becoming normal. Transitioning out of a 4 year relationship is rather difficult at times.

Have you ever ran away?
I planed with my brother when I was super young a run away strategy, my parents found it and got really, really mad. So from my parents, nope never. From life, there was a short time in high school where I used sleep as an escape so I kinda ran away from life that way I guess. I usually don’t run way, I walk away all dramatic and like a bad-ass.

Truth or dare always turns sexual, doesn't it?
I didn’t play a lot of truth or dare, I didn’t really have anything to tell the truth about cause I was pretty open about everything and I would do anything anyone dared me to do.

Do you wish someone would turn up at your front door right now?
Right now, maybe not it’s kinda late, But if it was a hot sexy man that wanted me, sure ^_^ why the heck not. 

What is something you realized today?
I’ve grown a lot, I’ve gained so much strength to walk the path of life. I’m willing to handle anything that comes my way. I have to keep putting one foot ahead of the other for myself. I really don’t know where I’ll be in a year, or two years, or 6 months. But I know that I will be moving, learning, growing, changing, and I’m alright with that. Life is a journey, and sometimes it gets bad, but those moments make the good ones wonderful and uplifting. Like faceted gems, the rough and gritty grinder stone refines them, makes them shine.

Do you like being single?
I hate the feeling of not being connected with someone. I’m not sure I totally understand why it hurts so much at times. I know in truth I’m connected to everyone in my life, but there is something more, something stronger, deeper.  But let me adjust to life without a love and I’ll see how I feel. Cuts are much too fresh and stabs are still being picked at for me to look at this new stage of life without the pain.

Do you want any children?
One day, maybe. All I’m sure about is that I’m in no place in my life to be able to take care of a child. One day I would love to have a son. I know it doesn't really work like that but I can't dream right? ^_^

What was the last thing you laughed really hard about?
Random phone napping from the pirate guy. I laughed a good long time after that, I still chuckle when I think of it.

When ever I feel like posting here it's always about something bad or upsetting, and usually I stop myself cause no one would want to read about vague unrest, but I really just need to get somethings off my chest and out there. So here is goes, read if you want but you really don't have to.  ( Vague Unrest )

Gah, it's so cold outside, and I have nothing to really do here at the office save for answering phones. No schools are coming in, mostly cause they get out this week and have already been out of school for a day. Today is both my Monday and my Friday, and I am extremely sleepy. I am so happy that the semester is over and I don't have worry about read text book and taking notes.

Cody and Steven Randomly showed up last night to kidnap me which didn't go very smoothly:P. Because he has a front wheel drive Jetta we had a hell of a time trying to get him turned around and out of my long driveway. It took all three of us half an hour of pushing and digging to get us out of the drive. It was very hilarious watching two Virgos try to logic their way out of the snow. " if we dig this way and this little patch of snow then we will be able to slip in such a way that we will be able to get out" much much fun to watch :P. After our little adventure we went to Cody's house and watched an amazingly funny anime, I'm not sure what ti title of it is but it's like FLCL and openly makes fun of anime culture in general.
IT was amazing to see Cody again and I truly hope that we will get many more chances to hang out over his break.

Well it's official, early January I am moving out of my parents house and in with Steven and his friend AJ. We got an amazing deal on the house cause it's one of Aj's friends'. It's a 5 bedroom and we only have to pay a total of $1000 a month, split between three people it's only $333 per month ^_^. I can't believe that I'll be away from my parents finally.

Anyways that's what is going on in my life as to date.

location: the food bank office

Well hello to the people that I have lost contact with. :P I'm terrible with trying to keep up with people.


A lot has happened in my life, ^_^ a lot of wonderful things. First off I turned 21 last month, it was really awesome, cause Steven treated me to a train ride to Reno where he hung out for a few days. The train ride was so beautiful, just absolutely astounding, but I guess that's what you get when the train is known for it's route. We took the Zephyr, which runs from LA to Chicago, and I find it quite funny that some of the people on the train were complaining that is was going really slowly even thought it's been advertised as a site seeing Train.

Steven and I are still going great, we are coming up on our 2 and a half year mark in a few days. :P My big goal for the next month or so, is to get my permit so I can start driving, and to move out with Steven. So far things have been good on both those notes. I'm taking over for Cassy at the food bank, and it's so lucky, it's a wonderful job. Steven is still working at Staples, and it's gotten kinda hectic since they fired most of the front end. So if anyone needs a job, Staples is hiring.

School is going great, even though I'm finally getting a little taste of the work load. I'm taking 12 units but they are all classes with heavy reading loads. I'll get used to it, but it's a little tough at the moment. And for that very same reason I'm not doing Nanowrimo this time around, maybe next year I'll be a little more used to this setup.

So in recap, life is good, and everything is going fine even if it's a bit crazy.

location: The Food Bank

    I'm back, now that I have some time to post.

    My legs hurt so much from walking everywhere yesterday doing cosplay stuff. Oh I can! not! wait! till fanime and this year I'm actually going to have a Cosplay to do. YAY! :P

    Yesterday after walking home from Kristin's Dads house, I decided that I needed to go into the longs and Ben Franklin area for some stuff and to take Steve some lunch but because I don't drive I would be walking and taking the bus around, not to bad and better for myself and the environment. I was going to walk down the hill and take a buss into town but my dad had to go to work so I at lease got a ride there, but after that it was on me to get myself home.

    I walked to longs, got some of the stuff I needed, a hair straightener and some hair spiking stuff ( to work with Steven's hair for his Ichigo costume). Then I headed to Sam's to get a wig head cause it was just about the only place I could think of having one and behind the counter they had the dye I was going to have to go to down town grass valley to get, so that was totally awesome.

    Sadly since I'm not the type to mull around when shopping I was done an hour and a half before I was     going to get lunch for Steven and myself. So I walked over to Ben Franklin to find out if they had some stencils for painting, but of course they only had like four. I'll just have to make my own for painting my dresser any idea's for awesome designs are totally welcome.

    I walked around Ben Franklin killing time till I remembered a necklace idea using buttons that I wanted to try and headed to the sewing area. I spent the remaining time there digging through the button chest thing trying to find awesome button. when the time had come for me to leave I bought the buttons and I headed back over to the Longs area and to get the sandwiches and then wandered back over to Staples.
I had to go inside to find Steven and ran into Nation and AJ. We talked a bit while I waited for Steven to be done with his work. Steven and I ended up eating our lunch on the bench outside of Staples and talked a bit about the plan for cosplay and fanime in general.

    When Steven had to go back to work the allergy medicine that I took at Kristin's grogginess kicked in I thought that I would remedy it with some coffee from Starbuck, and since I was heading down to the Albertsons (Save Mart, whatever you call it) I would get some there. I walk all the way there and the stupid thing is closed down. Alright, I do admit that it's a good thing cause we don't need more then one Starbucks in an area, but damn it I wanted my coffee.

    I walked back to the buss stop and waited a little, but because it was Directly! in the sun I walked across the street and cause the buss that was there. I road the bus down to grass valley and back up to Nevada City, and since I still wanted a coffee I walked to Mekka to get a Screaming Banshee, one of my most favorite drinks. It was so good! So much better then anything i could have gotten at starbucks for sure. Then I started the little trek up the hill to my house.

TOO Much Walking ^_^.

So far today My plans are:
take a shower and then clean the kitchen. Happy Summer to all!

The weather is said to start getting all wintery on Thursday and it sure looked like to today, which is awesome since I love the cold weather, especially when I'm snuggled under my 8 comforters ( I like the feeling of the weight on me). I was going to remove two of the comforters yesterday, but that's before I found out why my room wasn't as cold as it usually is. A wile ago I moved my bed around because I had a horrible ant problem keeping it by the window ( I think I won the battle of the ants.... but I have no I idea if they are regrouping and getting ready for the attack, I feel like I'm in god d--n 300, me against a million ants and every time I kill a huge mass there is a million more to take their place *shutters* anyways) but that leaves the sun shining right in my eyes in the morning, not something I like but it's better then ants. Because of the sun I had my curtains down. Well I cleaned off my couch to sit and read, but I closed the window because I was a little cold laying under it and I forgot about it. I ended up having my heating vent unclosed and a window closed. Thankfully with that fixed I can keep all my blankest on my bed (yay).

I should just foot note all of my little side comments, like Terry Pratchett. Hmm, I will think on this.

On to what I really came here to write about.

Last night Steven and I finally got off out asses and decided it was about time that we watch Torchwood so we downloaded the first two episodes. The opening is awesome, even as how short it is. The show is awesome though, lets just say that I woke my mom up because I was giggling too loudly. The second episode was totally epic, in a really "wow I can't believe they did this for the second episode". It's nothing like doctor who except the fact that they are all very British ( well I guess all except Cap'n Jack, he is very much him own... person) and stand around and gawk at the weird things going down. It's really awkward going from doctor who, which is family friendly, so the very VERY not so family friendly Torchwood, I really can't wait to see some more.
Today, like I said, was very dreary and cold. Nothing very exciting happens except I got to use my new backpack that fits my computer. Previously when taking my computer to school I would stick it in my shoulder bag with my binder of class work, this would end in me almost dislocating my shoulder, not good. So I bought a pack that would fit my lappy ( when I was asking my mom if I could get a pack for my computer to take to school she though I was talking about the desktop that I was buying parts for, and much hilarity ensued) so that I could take my computer to school without it taking off my arm with it. In English our teacher went over the prince, even though she said that we had to finish our reading by Thursday and Othello by this class. We watched more of the Othello movie, which made this day a good day. At lunch the stupid high school Gihoty(what ever) kids were EVERYWHERE! They are so disrespectful and are breaking the BRAND NEW! chairs in the lounge, I'm thinking of making a petition and getting it signed saying that us older college kids get the lounge to ourselves and they can have the cafeteria for their lunches. Stupid f---ing high schoolers. when I got home after math, I took a nap from 5:30 to 8, cause that's just my style. that's pretty much it for today, just talking to Steven online and stumbling around the interwebs.

location: my bed side table ( oh I bet you didn't expect that) mood: peaceful

Over the weekends I wont be posting much, cause Steven is over most of the time. I had an alright weekend though, nothing much happened.
I finally finished Othello, I'm thankful for that. I love Shakespeare... but not when I'm just reading his plays by myself. I love watching the plays and hearing what he is writing... but I don 't think that I want to read anymore of his plays. The only way I would is if I'm actually in one of those plays. Luckily, The next play we are reading is a comedy (rejoices). The mandragola, it has to do with the normal, I want woman, I can't get woman and I do stuff to get woman, at least that was how it seemed when I read the quick overview. We just got our First essay prompt and have a month to write it, it's a compare and contrast easy based around what is linked to the platonic pursuit in the plays that we have been reading.

I always used to have the hardest time with writing essay when I was in high school, I guess someone just didn't explain to me what exactly I should be going about the whole thing, but in college I haven't had any big trouble, it's awesome. I seriously think that high school was a waist of time for me, what I learning and how they go about teaching in college makes so much more sense to me.

So my computer parts came in, well most of them, I'm still waiting on my case and my media board. I can't wait ^_^.

Okay so this is what happened over the weekend.

Thursday in English we are watching the Movie Othello directed by the guy who does the master peace theater on PBS. From what I just said it make the movie sound like it would be some stuff old Englishmen who act out everything to a T. But when the movie started out I heard a very familiar voice... and then out of F---ing no where Christopher Eccleston pops on screen. I just about screamed, I love his acting and have a huge crush on him as the doctor from Doctor Who, I had to hold back turning to Daniel and yelling "Thats the invisible guy form Heroes!!!!!!" cause I was in English class. It got so bad later when he turns to the camera and says in his awesome English accent "Do ya like sex?", hearing that from any character just hurts my head. Holding back my fan-girly want to squeal and giggle is so hard. I waited till after English to freak out and squeal about how awesome he is as a bad guy and how hard it is to keep my self from giggling to Daniel, I hope she wasn't frightened by my crazed fan-girl babbling, it may have been too much too soon. I promised Daniel that I wouldn't go home and watch the movie that weekend and to wait until we watch it all in class. :P

I didn't have a math class so I went home so I didn't have to wait at school until my next class at 6:30. During that time I found out that they are making an Arrested Development movie. I love the show so very much and was sad/glad when it ended, mostly because they didn't string it out so long that it would cross over into the just let it die category that some many show have crossed into. I can honestly say that the directing and the writing for the show is some of the best I have seen. That being said, it is the only TV show that I actually own( my parent are the ones that own Heroes).

Friday
I sat around all day with Steven watching Arrested Development.

Saturday
Steven and I walked to SPD to get stuff to make chocolate moose. Ran into Shawn at the buss stop and talked I bit about stuff. After I was done making the moose we went to sushi q and had an awesome time, apparently Steven and I are some of their best customers, and it's always nice when we come in. ^_^

Sunday and today was pretty much just getting homework done.